Those would be my choice words to explain the feeling of the last six months and even more so, the last three weeks.
Being stuck in this tension between believing God for miracles in the process of our visa, our marriage, our future while trusting Him with all outcomes. All. Every detail, every piece, every outcome.
There is absolutely no doubt that God has done some pretty ridiculous miracles in the last few weeks (approving our petition in less than three months instead of the five months we were given, providing miraculous appointment openings for Emma's medical exam, even when I forgot to prepare the payment for it! Also, the fact that Emma's been sustained since his arrival in Kenya and not to mention the dreams God would give the both of us while we slept, confirming our next steps).
But I'll be honest.... this last week has been one of the most trying times for the both of us because who REALLY knows what it looks like to be suspended between believing God for more in this process, while also trusting that He is good, faithful and intentional in each and every outcome? And goodness, will we trust Him when it looks different than what we expect?
I felt a lot of frustration in the fact that things have been so miraculous and speedy and then now at the very last minute when things are supposed to move the quickest, we are getting a lot of opposition and delay. I mean, come on, God! We've been faithful, obedient and believed for impossibilities, what is going on?
The beautiful thing about God is that He doesn't withdraw or withhold himself in the midst of our dissatisfaction and disgruntlement, He embraces us in our messy state. He asked me a simple question,
"What if my faithfulness towards you has nothing to do with what you can do for me? What if I told you to do nothing and I still did miracles for you?"
I felt His gentleness, His faithfulness and goodness undoing all disappointment.
When the outcome looks different, do we still trust? Do we still fight the urge to fall under fear that we've done something wrong or heard incorrectly about the process? Or do we hide beneath the feelings or frustration and disappointment?
I think it almost seemed easier to believe in faith for the miraculous than to believe in His sustenance and purpose in the waiting. I'm learning that the process is more important than the destination or outcome I've been straining for. He is interested in who we are becoming through trying times, when we feel stretched, stuck and disappointed. It matters to Him that we experience the truth of His faithfulness.
The Lord gave me a picture yesterday of an aerial silks dancer and told me that I'm not just hanging and waiting for the next thing to happen but He's teaching me what it looks like to bring beauty into this season of waiting.
Gracefully suspended, He says.